nothing is impossible...

"Be the change you want to see in the world."-Gandhi

On the eve of President-Elect Obama's inauguration and MLK Day, I feel inspired to be the change in this world. Like me, many of my friends and people of my generation have grown up in the Bush era and remember the day 9/11 happened. Eight years later, we now live in a world with a useless war going on, problems going in the Middle East, and the worst financial crisis since the Depression. To all of whom feel like there's no hope, a change is gonna come. Actually, it is here.

Forty-three years after the March on Washington, we have the forty-fourth president being sworned in on Tuesday, who just so happens to be an African-American man. To me, Dr. King's dream is beginning to come true.

Even though I'm just sixteen years old, who grew up in the Bush era-or the W. Era, I didn't have belief in this country. I just thought that this country was going nowhere and that we were going to live in the same days as our parents and grandparents. Because of Dr. King's and others' efforts,that doesn't exist anymore. We have the first black president. Yes, we can. Because of this, I have faith in this country again. I believe that this country can be better than we have ever been.

Hate to be the downer. Even though there will be so much drastic good change in this world, it doesn't mean it will happen easily or quickly.Like Obama, we, as American citizens, have a lot to work toward to make this country a lot better.

Be the change that you want to see in the world. Since we aren't powerful as heads in DC, we can do our part as citizens. Service. JFK said ," Ask not what the country can do for you, ask what you can do for this country." There are people fighting for our freedom all over the world. At least we can do is to make sure the next generation has something to look forward to, that they can accomplish their dreams.

Last thing, to them and anyone out there, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

I think I'm done writing.
Happy MLK Day!
-Jasmine

What have we become? This is so close. It is scary. People aren't speaking their peace anymore. I will. Why should we be scared of something that's so obsolete? If you know something isn't right, should you continue the cycle? No, I'm not a hypocrite. I have seen things and didn't do shit to fix it. Fuck judgment. Fuck discrimination. Fuck prejudice. Do what needs to be done. Don't worry, I'll be there.

I don't even know how to begin this epiphany of sorts. Life is hard. When you say you're blessed, you are not really. You don't appreciate what you have or the privileges you have. Trust, I just watched Freedom Writers, and the way those kids lived in LA really is a way to see how people survive. Like the line, "Teenagers scare the living shit out of me.", on My Chemical Romance's song "Teenagers", we seem naive. We don't take our surroundings seriously. We are interested in race car jackets, grillz, and cars. But we need to be interested in the world. No one really knows that the world is close to the disaster of global warming. No one really give a damn, but that pissed me off. Life is so fucking precious to waste by leading a mediocre life. Go out of the ordinary to fullfill your destiny. God or whoever you believe in has blessed everyone with a purpose. Why don't they find or use them? Have no clue, but they should. Life as we know it could come to an end within a blind of an eye. So carpe diem or as the title of the Avenged Sevenfold song "Seize the Day", which carpe diem means in English.

 

Orginally written by me on February 2, 2007

"it feels like i'm in a haze of amnesia and deja vu, i can't leave it, like going around a merry-go-round while someone is throwing daggers at you, so every time i went around, more painful and grueling, i can't leave this place, the words in my head keep replaying, how can i leave, every alarm crushing and crunching my spirit and heart, being a object of humiliation many times, hearing the laughs like each time i was shot point-blank, you guess it, I'm dead and free"

*Note: The poem is just a figure of expression. I'm still here! If you feel like you have been pushed in a corner where the odds are aganist you, never let it or them take over you. Remember, violence is not the answer.*

 

XOXO

jAsMiNe

it's hard to find your voice here. cliques. outcasts. popular. to get your work and get along with teachers who you want to strangle. also kids who you want to lock 'em in a room and make them suffocate. middle school was awesome. smaller setting. it's just crazy. transitions are a bitch. creativity and individuality aren't accepted. everyone and everything's the same. everyone's trying to fit in. it's so fucking sad. get over yourselves and make a change!

XOXO jasmine

as a former freshman and soon-to-be sophomore, i wish the new freshman loads of luck. high school is a little bit harder, but it depends on if you take honors classes or who u hang with. i advise u to never follow someone or an upperclassmen. as gerard says, be yourself. if u be yourself, you will make friends who are just like you. stay out of mess. don't give in to peer pressure. do your work, you'll get noticed by teachers. play a sport. overall, just have fun and you'll be straight. i will leave u with this quote that i came up with : never let anyone take over you, especially in your happiness.

XOXO Jasmine

everyone has a little bit of underdog inside. it's in our blood. we have to fight for everything we have and will get. nothing is handed to us on a golden plate. we earn it. there can't be any excuses or shortcuts. then how do we learn by copying someone else's work? by saying you can't do a certain thing? that's bullshit. when there's a will, there's a way. there's always a way to do something. if it's something--an arduous task, find a way to get it done. if it's for something that you love to do, be willing to take criticism and know that you sacrifice enough to get it. no one should hold back you from your dreams and/or desires or the kind of music you want to listen to (like me, for example, punk, emo, screamo, and alternative, and metal--crave it!) live your life the way you want to live it- at least. let it be meaningful to leave your stamp on the world. you leave your stamp or signifiance on the world when you are born. ( got title from My Chem's rhythm gutiarist frankie iero.: to be in the music business, all u need is a few chords and SOME HRART.

everyday,

you sit by yourself,

then meet someone finally,

sounds great but not great,

you get to know their heart,

they invited you somewhere,

the spiral starts downward.

it was a party,

you drunk booze,

you did some cocaine,

you are happy as a hyena right now,

and the end of the spiral,

having to rape someone for your friend's pleasure.

your senses come back,

you said no,

but you told your friend you would do anythinh,

so you left,

your final words:NO

open your eyes,

move your feet out of the bed,

you stand,

feel a sense of cold,

you get ready to face the world,

suddenly an explosion happens,

you walk toward it,

suddenly you die,

your heart explodes in your chest,

you wake up again,

an angel takes your hand,

and pushes you back down toward earth,

you wake up in a sweat,

back to reality.

today i went to see spiderman 3. it's frickin awesome. from the beginning to the end, it had everything that i was looking forward to be. tobey, kristen, james, and everyone else on the crew did that thing. i couldn't take my eyes off the screen except that minor mishap they had with the screen-half of it turned green and stop the movie for 10 minutes. it was getting the good thing. spidey kicked ass, even with the help of a old friend . there's plenty of deaths and twists and turns in Spiderman. three opponents at one. ballin. spidey as venom was funny when he became arrogant. when he started to dance, i was almost on the floor laughing. u will not expect the end of the movie. the movie was pretty long, but good. if you haven't seen the movie yet, what the hell you waiting for? the movie theater i went to was so packed with people waiting to see spidey. the movie taught me that whatever you want in life, you will have to sacrifice what you have and make a choice. the battle lies within!!

i rate the movie:

4 out of 4 stars

the in-crowd,

 no one is really in the in-crowd,

 we are all outsiders,

outsiders are who express themselves,

expressing themselves like no one else does,

what the hell is the in-crowd?

what means to be popular?

it means nothing.

just to be known is a blessing.

 being with people who are just like you is awesome.

 not to be judged by who you are.

 dr king said "to be judged by the content of your character".

 why are teenagers and adults being killed every waking moment?

discrimination,

 segregation,

 teenagers scare the living shit out of me,

 they could care less unless someone else will bleed,

 it's true,

 one of my chemical romance's songs "teenagers",

 what has our society come to? to an end.

 following other people's ideas and perspectives,

 thinking it's right,

 but it's not,

 it sucks,

see, i express myself,

i love rock music in a sea of kids who mostly loves rap music,

being criticized for the music that i love,

i'm not going to stop listening to it because of you,

i can't change myself for you,

it's what makes me me.

all i can say to the people who don't like me or my self-expression, " who do u follow?",

 to myself, i say 'GIVE EM HELL KID.

Gerard- you've been an inspiration to me. you've overcome so much. addiction and depression. on stage, you have a persona that's so extraordinary. even though i never been to a my chemical romance concert, i watched them online. i can feel your presence through my computer screen. you have inspired me to never let anyone or anything destroy me. I love u for that.

Mikey-you play a small part in a big band. you are one of my favorite bass players. you're cool, calm, collected as you play. i'll have to admit that u and ur brother are very cute, even though you're married. btw, congrats! you are awesome.

Frank- how can i write this to you? ur awesome. ur energy is off of the charts when you are on stage. life of the part. u bring a crazy and wicked vibe to the group. ur a great guitar player.

Ray- u and ur playing are spectular. your fingers are like butter floating acoss the board. you are one of the reasons that i want to learn how to play electric guitar. u could be the next Jimi Hendrix or Brian May. keep on playin my fellow cancer. before time, happy 30th birthday.

Bob- u taught me to never take any shit. i can tell that you love what u do. you are an amazing drummer. even though u had gotten ur leg burn and want to go on, i admire that.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE- as a whole, i can't explain u guys. ur unique. ur awesome. ur heroes. u guys are some of my heroes. ur music save me everyday. ur music is hopeful and dark. i didn't know something out of a dark situation foretold something so spectular and beautiful. my all-time favorite of yours is FAMOUS LAST WORDS. it means so much to me. to me, it means- well, the chorus, I'M NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING, I'M NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE, HONEY IF U SAY I'LL BE FORGIVEN, NOTHING U CAN SAY COULD STOP ME GOING HOME. i love the chorus. every morning when the video comes on fuse, i have to stop what i'm doing and watch it. Because it is a so amazing video. just you guys, the fire and the sand, and the instruments. i just love the video. heaven help us is my other favorite song. it's the most beautiful song i have ever heard. gerard's beautiful voice compliments you guys and the instruments. sometimes i do cry to your songs. they're compassionate, but still angry. they're awesome. they're the songs that defines me. as a fan,it's amazing to find out what happened in your lives. especially in high school. y'all (my southern accent) were outsiders. not following the crowd. i'm like that. i'm at a mostly black high school where mostly the people listen to rap but i listen to mostly rock music. i've been listened to your band for two years. your music changed the way i think. one time, i was depressed for a long time about the way my life was going and living out my dreams. then i heard the ghost of you. i cried and i knew that i needed to do something else with my life. i know that u heard many times before: MCR SAVED MY LIFE!

XOXO    Jasmine (thisishowidisappear1)

 

IN 3 YEARS, I'M 18 YEARS OLD. ON MY WAY ON COLLEGE. STARTING INDIVIDUAL LIFE. SUPPORTED WITHOUT PARENTS. I WANT TO LIVE OUT MY DREAM OF CHANGING THE WORLD. I HAVE BEEN SO INSPIRED BY PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO DO SOMETHING OR MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. I'M SO IN MUSIC SO THOUGH MY PARENTS WANTS ME TO LIMIT THE TIME. I LISTEN TO MUSIC. I JUST CAN'T DO THAT. MUSIC HAS CONSUMED SO MUCH OF MY LIFE THAT I CAN'T TAKE IT OUT OF MY LIFE. BECAUSE I HAVE REMEMBERED A LOT OF SONGS SINCE I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.

I CAN'T COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS. SORRY, NOT HAPPENING! I HAVE MORE DIGNITY THAN THAT.

TWO THINGS, NO, THERE ARE ACTUALLY THREE THINGS THAT I HATE ABOUT LIFE. I'LL LIST THEM

PERCEPTIONS-THAT ALL BLACK PEOPLE LISTEN TO RAP, WRONG! THERE'S SOME WHO LISTEN TO ROCK, COUNTRY, POP, WHOLE NINE YARDS AND WE GET CALLED WHITY. BUT THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT.

ASSUMPTIONS- WHEN SOMEONE SEES A SITUATION FROM THEIR POINT-OF- VIEW AND ASSUMES THE IMPOSSIBLE FOR IT. THAT'S BULLSHIT. YOU AREN'T A PSYCHIC, YOU DON'T KNOW OR SEE THE FUTURE. IF YOU ARE SO DEEP IN THE CONSERVATION AND YOU AREN'T REALLY IN THE SITUATION,WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THERE? YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE IN IT.

DISCRIMINATION- SEE, I HAVE A GAY AND BI FRIEND. PEOPLE SEE GAY PEOPLE AS DEMONS OR AS BAD PEOPLE. BUT THERE WAS A TIME I WAS SCARED OF THEM. BUT I MET A GIRL WHO HAD A GIRLFRIEND, BUT SHE WAS SO COOL. HOMOSEXUALITY IS WRONG, AS SAID IN THE BIBLE. I THINK THAT IF ANYONE IS GAY, YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT. I'M AGANIST GAY DISCRIMINATION.

DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS HAVE BEEN OCCURING AND REOCCURING INSIDE A LOT.IT IS LIKE THE FEAR OF THE FUTURE. WHAT HAPPENS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL? COLLEGE? A FAMILY, THEN GROWN KIDS?THEN YOU'RE DEAD? THAT'S SCARY AS FUCK. THESE THOUGHTS BECOME MORE AND MORE APPARENT TO ME. IS THIS REALLY WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR? TO BE A TEENAGER AND COME THAT MUCH CLOSER TO FREEDOM FROM MY PARENTS. I QUESTIONED AND SECOND GUESSED MYSELF ALL THE TIME. I HIDE THE FEAR AND PAIN FROM OTHER'S PERPECTIONS OF ME. BUT IT'S KILLING ME!!!

AS MUCH STUFF I'VE BEEN THROUGH, I SEE LIFE AS A VERY PRECIOUS THING. YOU ONLY LIVE IT ONCE AND CAN'T COME BACK. I THINK THAT EVERY LIFE THAT IS LIVED, THERE'S A PURPOSE TO IT. I KNOW THAT I HAVE A PURPOSE, EVERYONCE DOES. 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT NO ONE IS HERE TO WAIT AND BE SHALLOW UNTIL THEIR DEATH. IT'S DUMB AND REDUNDANT TO DO.

WHAT INSPIRES OR DRIVES ME? THE POWER TO MAKE A CHANGE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE. YOU CAN MAKE A CHANGE, I HAVE LEARNED THAT FROM DR. KING TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. WE ARE IN BAD SITUATIONS. SOMEONE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING. I THINK I COULD BE THE ONE.

STEP UP OR SHUT UP!

I'LL STEP UP!!!

XOXO jasmine (thisishowidisappear1)

My favorite band is My Chemical Romance.I have been listening to them for two years.I <3 these guys. They are Gerard A. Way, Michael (Mikey) Way, Raymond (Ray) Toro, Frank Iero, and Bob Bryar. They are the best band around to me. They are so beloved by us, the fans. They bring good messages with their songs. At a concert that I heard about, Gerard says, "If a guy in a band asks you to show your boobs to get backstage, I want you to spit in their faces." At another concert, Gerard says "If you think about suicide, talk to someone. Suicide is a fucked up bullshit way to go out." I love Gerard's sincerity and realness of the whole situation.

The Messages that I think MCR Brings to the Table

-self-acceptance

-understanding death

-how to live your life

 

But Gerard, the lead singer of My Chem, is a true visionary and survivor. He was used to be depressed, drink a lot, and do drugs like cocaine. But he had gotten over it. He has been sober for going on three years. Here's the pattern when they played "Helena", he says whatever city they're in and tell them to live each day like it would be their last. I loved that about them.

It is very cool that the reason My Chem was started was 9/11. Out of a cathasporthic tragedy something wonderful happened.

Their music is some of the most realistic,poetic,and wonderful lyrics I ever heard. Like the following,

"Can u hear me? Are u near me? Can we pretend to be again? We'll meet again when both our cars collide." - HELENA

At the end of the world or the last thing I see, You are never coming home, all the things that you never told me, and all the smiles that forever going to haunt me."- THE GHOST OF YOU

I'm at this old hotel,can't tell if I have been breathing, sleeping, screaming, or waiting for the man to call and maybe all of the above 'cause mostly I have been sprawed on these cathederal steps while I was spitting blood and screaming "Someone save us!"- HEAVEN HELP US

As you can tell, I'm in love with MCR. Here are some of my other favorites, including:

The Academy Is..

Avenged Sevenfold

Three Days Grace

30 Seconds to Mars

Cute is What We Aim For

Say Anything

Altogether, I love music. But now, I mostly listen to rock music.

But I go to a mostly black catholic high school. There's not many people who listens to the kind to music that I'm listening to. But I have some friends that listened to the same stuff that I do.

There's a message. Well, a video when Gerard tells the crowd that there's a fucking war about what kind of music we are listening to. But he says, 'Don't change who the fuck you are for anyone, and don't take anyone's shit. Express who the fuck you are.'

I love that about My Chemical Romance.

One thing that I'm scared of is the concept of death. Death to me is like a way of not coming back. Imagine it has been 100 yeard since you have been dead. Your body is decaying in your grave and nobody remembers you. And then you don't know the day or hour or place or even how you are going to die. That's a fucking scary thought. Death was the concept of MCR's latest record 'The Black Parade'. It has been my life soundtrack for now. It tells that you need to live each day like it's our last. (WHICH IT'S TRUE!)

 

In regards to myself, song title from the Christian rock band Underoath's album Define the Great Line. But my life seem more complicated since I've gotten older. FYI: I turn 15 this year. Last year, I was on top of the world; sorta speak. I was awarded and rewarded for all the things that I had done. But already this year sucks. I don't remember being this angry like other years. Three years ago, I witnessed first-hand the fate of a school when our beloved principal- SDP- died of cancer. But this time I'm in high school. Coach P....one of the most funniest people you would have probably met, he was a very caring person. He cared for all the kids-even the non- athletes,  HE CARED. He died a couple of weeks of a massive heart attack while he was raising money for the school's athletic programs. We had find out the horrible news between 7th and 8th period. We knew something had went wrong when they called everyone in the school to the gym. Word had already spread by the end of 6th period. The rest of the day I had cried out my eyes. I had helped him the day before he died to get ready for a luncheon that was for a new program at the school. That was the last time I saw him. Next day, we had a memorial service for Coach. All you could hear in the church was tears falling and sniffles. But for me, it hurt just as much as when Sister died and when my grandmother had died. But I didn't face the deaths alone. I face them with my school because if we had faced with them w/ other people, it could make or break us- literally.

The only thing that is helping me right now is musi. Artists with a purpose- like Three Days Grace, Underoath, and Lostprophets. I listen to mostly indie punk rock music- like the Almost, Cute is What We Aim For, and Boys Like Girls.

Coming up on a journey... NEXT >MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

Sometimes I do doubt myself or make myself stop from completing the impossible. And I don't know why. Maybe because I'm afraid of moving to the next level. The feeling need to stop. I think everyonce has a feeling of uncertainty. It keeps us from doing or becoming who we need to be. I got just four words for you: JUST  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

 

God or anything else you believe in has endown us the greatest capabliity: to make a difference. Most people live in mediocrity and negativity. Sometimes I think like that. Maybe it's a natural feeling. Or Not. Mediocrity and negativity keep us from fullfilling our dreams. All we need to do is keep moving forward as fast as we can until we reach where we want to be or who we want to be.

 

XOXO

JASMINE (thisishowidisappear1)

 

The family meeting. I slammed down my stuff and called, " Michael! Come downstairs now! We’ve having a family meeting! If you don’t come down, you are grounded!"

Michael had gotten so much sleep and a lot of trouble.

" Michael, boy. You have been messing up badly. You didn’t tell your sister that I didn’t want her to leave the house!?"

"It wasn’t my job."

"What? Boy, now you are saying what I don’t like."

"Dad, I’m sick and tired of your bullshit."

I had punched him in the stomach.

"I didn’t teach you to say that."

"You didn’t teach anything to me. You were cheating with some prostitute."

I had punched him again.

"Alright! Now you’re grounded for two months, that means no birthday for you!"

"No birthday? How am I going to have a birthday? You must be talking about a party. Okay…" Michael had walked away and had said, "…. You sickly son-of-a-bitch."

As soon as I started to trail behind him, he had literally almost flew up to his room.

I turned around, and my daughter is in tears.

"Sandy, why are you crying?"

"I had never seen you like this before. It seem like I had caused all of this—you punching Michael and Michael using a lot of profanity."

"Well, you sort of did."

"How?"

"By 1) going to Lora’s house without permission, 2) leaving the house without your dumb brother knowing, and 3) telling Lora to lie for you."

"Well, I’m sorry."

"Sorry doesn’t even cuts the cake, Sandy. You have to be careful out here."

"So this means that I’m grounded like Michael?"

"Yep, but for apologizing, for two weeks."

Sandy walked out of the kitchen and to her bedroom.

Weeks passed and both of the children are punished. I’m still having sleepless nights. I started to look for jobs. I couldn’t get the job that I wanted because now was the time GEDs didn’t work.

One night was the most miserable night in my life. I had another crazy dream. I was taking my AZT and then I suddenly was dead. On the ground.

I had imagined my funeral. It was held on a dark and cloudy day. It wasn’t even a set of people there to grieve. There were ten people there. My children and people from my old neighborhood in Philly. I had realized that not many people like me. I had turned people away, even before I had AIDS. I didn’t want that life. I wanted a life of happiness and being a great father to my two wonderful kids. They don’t deserve the way I have been acting.

One day, I had decided that I was going to do something nice for my kids. So I had figured baseball. Michael had played. I had played pitcher, Michael had played hitter, and Sandy was just our cheerleader. That was the most fun that I had with them. We had left the baseball field around four in the afternoon. We had arrived at home in a shock. Well, I did.

The words "EVICTION NOTICE" was forever eteched in my mind. I tear the notice off before they could see it. But Michael saw it and told Sandy to go inside.

"Dad, can I talk to you?", he said if I can remember the conservation correctly.

"You saw the notice?"

"Yeah, I did. Dad, I know I haven’t been treating you wrong ever since the fight with Brant. But I wanted to help you… well, us save this house. Would you allow me?"

"No."

"No. Dad, but no offense. I need to start to act like a man, instead of a boy. I need to take on more responsibility."

"No, because it is too much of a burden to put on you. But it’s my responsibility to pay for the house and take care of you two kids."

"But …", he referred.

" But nothing. This conservation is finished."

The next day I had decided to visit the company who lease the house to me and Mary for so many years, the Scott Mortgage and Lease Company in Philadelphia.

Our mortgage/ lease advisor was an old friend of mine, Alexander Childs. I knew that he would cut me and my family some slack. I had walked in a meeting of the board advisors. They told me to wait, but I told them that this situation couldn't wait.

"Mr. Childs?", I had said when I went in screaming at the top of my lungs. Then I had pushed the board room's door open as possible. Then security had ahold of me.

At my sight, I saw at the end of this long, mahgony table and those men, rich and precious; and full of power and pride. As I looked at them I had wished that I was them. No one had interrupted my fantasy, until I hear Alexander's voice screamed out, "Hello, Corey! What are you doing here? We are in the middle of a meeting."

I replied, " I don't give a flying fuck if you are in a meeting. Here in my hands, uh, ladies and gentleman, is the eviction notice that I had found on my door when I came back from a game with my kids. But here is a striking question to answer: 'Why was there an eviction notice on the door?' I mean, I had thought that I was golden for the year. But I was wrong. Just you pricks, even Alexander, out for money."

After I had made that powerful statement, I had stormed out of there, I did not care who followed me.

I had decided not to do anything else about it. Sooner or later, we became homeless. Living on the streets in Philly. I remember all of those times we stole and pilfer food from bakeries. I remember a conversation that I had with Sandy and Michael.

She had asked me, "Dad, how long will this last?"

I replied, "I don't know."

Then Michael joined the conversation.

He said, "Dad, we can't stay and live like this forever."

"Just for the moment, son."

"Just for the moment" has been for the last three years. This needs to stop.

"Yeah, how will you stop it? With what money? With what anything?!"

"Well, I'll leave."

"I don't care, Dad. You have wrecked our lives. Can you see it? Sandy's dying and so are you."

I went over to him and pulled him by the collar. He snatched away from me. All he did was walk away. That was the last time I saw him.

I sat down near a garbage can and knocked it over. A small brown notebook fell out. Inside the cover, the initials J.E.C 6-26-92 appeared. I wonder about it. I looked for a pen. I started to write in it. I wanted to leave my legacy. Through this book. Over the next year, Sandy and I roamed the streets and asked for help. We had separated all AZTs we had to take one once a month to see how long it would last us. But no one was willing. Almost six years, Sandy die. She die in my arms on New Years Eve. The saddest moment that I have ever experienced. On New Years' Day, she had gotten buried in our family plot.

I drove myself crazy. I did not have my children. I miss them. I was getting sicker and sicker by the moment until I fell on the ground. I leave three last words:

I DIE WEAK.

 

 

 

" Why are you wringing my neck about it?"

" Because that’s the first rule: Get your butt here on time!"

" Oh, oh, but is was the first time that this has happened, you pothead."

" You pothead?! That’s in my past. Oh, I have heard about your son getting in a fight."

" How did you heard about that?" Then I took a single sharp glance at Johnny. That was the man that I almost got in a brawl with. " Johnny Mac. It was you. I didn’t know you had kids."

" Yeah, it was me. Your son fought my son."

" You were the only person that I told that I had AIDS. But how did it leak out to your son?"

" Must have overheard?"

" Overheard? My son had gotten suspended because of your son. No, my son had gotten suspended because of me. You son of a ----"

Well, I did the same as my son did: took and gave a swing. No one came, but we pulled ourselves off each other.

" Man, I quit."

" Then, fine. And you know, we don’t have to be boys forever again."

" Even after I stuck up for you!"

Then I walk away and jumped into the car. I had swayed in frustration and guilt about how this-all of this!- is happening to me. How am I going to get all of these things? Then I went home.

When I drove on the highway, I started to play my favorite song : Hurt by Johnny Cash. I was so angry and misguided so the song was perfect.

I wanted to come home to my two wonderful kids. I had arrived in the driveway. And….the door was open.

I ran in, screaming, " Michael! Sandy!"

Michael ran to me and said, " Dad, what’s going on?"

" The door was open. Who opened it?"

" I don’t know."

" Where’s Sandy?"

" I don’t know." Michael said, yawning.

" Sandy!" I screamed to the top of my lungs.

She was gone. I had looked on the caller ID just in case.

MARY JENNINGS

(105) 551-0195

I thought about the last name. It was Sandy’s friend’s mother’s name. So I called it and I had dialed up the number. Her daughter, Lora, answered it.

" Hello?"

" Hello, Lora. Is Sandy there?"

"Yes,….. I mean…no." Lora said in hesitation after Sandy told her to say no.

" Goodbye."

I told Michael to stay in the house and watch the door if Sandy came back home.

I didn’t have to drive there. Lora lived five blocks from us. So I ran there and banged on the door.

Then Lora’s mother pulled a shotgun out on me and then she realized that it was me. And it ended up that Lora and Sandy was out back at their pool.

Lora’s mother Mary told me that I said that it was okay for her to go over Lora’s house. I went back to the pool, furiorated.

" Sandy Marie Jenkins! Get your butt out of that pool now!"

" Yes, sir." Sandy said, softly.

Trust me, there was a quiet walk home. I swear that you could hear a penny drop. But she broke our silence.

" Dad, why would you come and get me?"

" Because I didn’t know where you were. You were not supposed to leave the house. I thought Michael told you not to go out or not let anyone in."

" Michael didn’t tell me. He just went to sleep after he cooked breakfast."

" What ?"

" Yes, he didn’t tell me."

" Okay, when we get back in the house, get your brother, tell him that to meet me at the table, we’re having a family meeting."

"Okay, why?"

" Because we have things to discuss."

" No, she wasn’t. But she was the girl that I cheated with on my wife two years ago. Um, thank you. John. Rima. I’m gone."

I left their house, feeling puzzled and confused. I went to go get Sandy and Michael from school.

Sandy was waiting outside of the school, but Michael wasn’t in sight.

" Daddy, you will have to go inside the school. Michael is in trouble!"

I walked in the school office, looking pissed.

There the principal stood when I walked in the door.

" Hello, Mr. Jenkins. We have been having some trouble with Michael.", said Principal Conin

" Um, what kind of trouble?", I questioned.

" A fight."

" With whom?"

" This here is Brant.", as the principal talked and brought him up.

From an eagle’s standpoint, Brant was a big kid. And them a big fella was standing behind him with this so distinctive look about him until he spoke.

" This here is your boy?"

" Yeah, he is my son. And what? Just because your son Brant is a bully and you looking like Sasquatch, doesn’t make me scared."

" Oh, yeah."

" Really."

Trust me, he and I were about to fight until the vice principal-a woman- came in.

She said to us, " Not in this school."

And I just went on and took the kids home.

As I was driving, I began to question Michael.

" So what happened in the fight?", I asked.

" Did you win?" , Sandy asked exaggeratedly.

" Sandy, stop."

" At first he was asking me for my lunch…

" They still do that?" Sandy interrupted again.

" Sandy!" I shouted louder. " Continue."

" Then I told him no and he told me " Your momma." I told him that my mom was dead; then he said " Your daddy." He said, " What about him?" he said, ‘ I heard he had AIDS." and I knew that it was the truth. So I kicked his a…"

" Boy, don’t you dare say what I think you are about to say."

" Yes, sir. I’m sorry, dad. But Principal Conin suspended me and him for three days."

" You’re serious? Well, I have something in store for you for those days."

Michael’s days of hell started that Monday. It’s so cold so he could freeze his ass off. I had him shovel the snow for our house and for a couple of our neighbors. I had him running in the snow. I know it was a brutal punishment. But he knows that I will not tolerate fighting for some outrageous reason. But it was for me. He defended me. And I love that about him. He will defend you when that person tells the truth about that situation. You know, he wanted to be a criminal defense lawyer. He will get the chance.

That Friday night---the days of hell was over—I went to Michael’s room and talked to him.

" Knock, knock" I said as I entered his room.

" Hi, Dad."

" Hey, Michael. So how do you feel?"

" I feel bad about what I did, but he was talking about you. And I couldn’t let that happen to you."

" That’s great, Michael. So how is baseball practice?"

" Dad, I think that I want to quit."

" Why?"

" Because, Dad, I’m not getting younger. I’m about to turn thirteen in two weeks. Remember?"

" Oh, yeah, so what do you want for your thirteenth birthday?"

" I want you to be healthy again. Dad, how can I say this without being harsh? Um, you are getting sicker and sicker by the moment. Aren’t you taking your AZT? —"

" Yeah, but…"

" But nothing, Dad. But that is wanted for my birthday and probably it is what Sandy wants for hers."

" Good night, son."

" Good night, Dad."

^^^^^

I could hardly sleep that night. I thought about how much that I was a influence on my kids’ lives. I had a crazy dream, nothing that I would tell my kids. I imagined that at first I was having sex with Mary and then in an instant minute, Mary turned into Romania. I had gotten scared. I jumped out of the bed and onto the floor. As I pulled myself off of the floor, I walked to the hallway bathroom to wash my face because I had thought that this was a dream. Then I see, on the toilet, Mary, naked but with her legs crossed. Romania was in the bathtub with no water in sight, naked, crossed legs, smoking a cigarette, and but she was rotting away. I run back to the bedroom but there is a brick wall in the way. And I figured that to get back to reality, I ran into the brick wall and probably have a concussion afterway.

I woke up. Then it was three a.m. I had to be at work at eight. I went back to sleep. I had another dream. But this time it was about Sandy and Mary.

I was watching TV again. At first, I didn’t know how the television came on. I tried to turn it off and went to sleep. But it popped back on. Then on the screen, Mary was swinging in the same exact swing that her mother, Corrina, had in their backyard when she was a little child.

Then she starts to talk in a way that tell me that she is still on Earth with me. She sat there and cried.

" Corey, I heard what you said at the tombstone. And I have missed you too. But you have AIDS?"

" Yeah, I took the test a couple of weeks ago."

" Well, you thought that I gave it to you---"

" You didn’t. Romania did."

" That skanky little—Well, you had gotten what you deserved."

" I know I did, baby."

" Sandy is doing well, eh?"

" Yeah."

" Oh, really. Sandy, come here baby."

I couldn’t believe it. There stood Sandy, looking like a heavenly angel.

Then Mary said, " Then,look!"

Sandy was rotting away. Some strange stuff went down. Sandy walked out of the television and gave me a kiss. That kiss deteriorated me.

It is so weird how something suddenly so beautiful can turn so hideous.

I woke up in a cold sweat, it was eight o’clock in the morning. I was late for work. Luckily, the kids didn’t have to go to school that day. So I ran, took a shower, and had gotten in my work clothes. Michael was up in the kitchen, cooking for himself and Sandy.

" Hey, Dad. I see that you are up."

" Yeah. I’m late for work. See ya. Don’t let anyone in. I’ll be back at five."

Michael had cooked pancakes and sausage for him and Sandy. But Sandy was still asleep. He went in there to wake her up by jumping on her in her bed.

" Michael, get off of me! What are you doing? Where is Dad?"

" Dad’s gone to work. And I cooked breakfast."

" You cooked breakfast?"

" Yeah, I did. Pancakes and sausage."

" Okay."

They went to the kitchen and ate breakfast together.

" So what are we going to do about Dad?"

" Maybe help him feel better."

" But how?"

" I don’t really know."

" I had told him , the other night, that all that I had wanted for my birthday was him to feel better."

" Yeah, it is true. I wanted the same exact thing."

" But isn’t his birthday December 21?"

" Yeah, it is. What are we going to do?"

" I don’t know. I don’t have my allowance."

" Get a paper route, duh!"

" Oh, yeah."

I had arrived at work thirty minutes later. Johnny Mac was standing in the doorway of the garage.

He asked me, " Why the hell are you late?"